By John Smith
Health Crisis Investigative Reporter
In a concerning development that has nutritionists and fast-food executives monitoring the situation, a movement promoting so-called "fruits and vegetables" has been gaining momentum across the nation. Health officials warn this could lead to unexpected outbreaks of wellness.
"They're showing up more and more," notes concerned citizen Karen Matthews while thoughtfully sipping her fourth milkshake of the day. "In grocery stores, farmers markets...I even saw someone growing them in their backyard. It's unsettling."
INITIAL FINDINGS
- Medical professionals admit these substances contain compounds called "vitamins."
- Children exposed to gardening show increased interest in "nature."
- Some of these items can be obtained WITHOUT using a drive-through window.
Dr William Green, a nutrition researcher who agreed to speak under condition of anonymity, revealed startling information: "These 'fruits and vegetables,' as they're called on the street, contain something known as 'fibre.' Once it gets into your system, it can lead to regular bowel movements. And that's just the beginning."
INDUSTRY CONCERNS INTENSIFY
Fast food industry spokesperson Brad Henderson expressed growing anxiety about the trend. "If people start eating these raw, unprocessed foods, they might experience increased energy levels and better health. Our research suggests this could lead to decreased dependency on our dollar menu. It's a slippery slope."
Local mother Janet Wilson broke down describing her teenager's recent behavior: "It started with baby carrots at lunch. Now he's asking about 'kale' and 'quinoa.' I don't even know how to pronounce these things!" She added tearfully, "Yesterday, he turned down a microwave dinner because he wanted to 'roast vegetables' instead."
ALARMING PROGRESSION OF SYMPTOMS
Experts have identified a clear pattern of escalating behaviors:
Stage 1: Occasional fruit consumption
Stage 2: Salad curiosity
Stage 3: Vegetable crisper usage
Stage 4: Farmers' market attendance
Stage 5: Home gardening
Stage 6: Composting (!!!)
SHOCKING GATEWAY BEHAVIORS
New studies indicate that fruit and vegetable consumption frequently leads to increasingly concerning habits:
- Drinking water instead of soda
- Walking for "pleasure."
- Getting "adequate sleep."
- Reading nutrition labels IN PUBLIC
- Discussing "antioxidants" at social gatherings
- Owning multiple reusable water bottles
"It starts with a single banana," warns former produce user Tom Johnson. "Next thing you know, you're buying organic cotton tote bags and joining something called a 'CSA.' I've seen people start prepping. MEAL PREPPING!"
CONSPIRACY DEEPENS
Underground investigations have uncovered disturbing connections between vegetables and other radical movements:
- Photosynthesis cells found in most vegetables (possible alien technology?)
- Suspicious correlation between broccoli consumption and increased happiness
- Evidence suggests carrots may improve night vision (potential surveillance capabilities?)
- Reports of vegetables literally growing themselves when exposed to sunlight and water.
- Tomatoes are technically classified as fruits (What else are they hiding?)
GOVERNMENT COVERUP?
Despite mounting evidence, the FDA continues to classify most fruits and vegetables as "food," allowing their unrestricted sale nationwide. A spokesperson defended this position, citing dubious concepts like "thousands of years of human consumption" and "basic nutrition science."
EMERGENCY RESPONSE GUIDELINES
Citizens are urged to:
- Install bright lights to discourage shadow gardening
- Report any neighbours with suspicious green thumbs
- Keep emergency processed snacks in a bunker
- Avoid eye contact with anyone carrying a reusable bag (especially men)
- Check children's lunchboxes for concealed vegetables
- Monitor loved ones for signs of sudden enthusiasm about "seasonal eating."
- UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES attempt to compost
As this crisis spreads like an organic wildfire, one thing becomes clear: the fruit and vegetable agenda is real, and it's sprouting up everywhere. Our follow-up investigation will expose the shocking link between vegetable consumption and the rising popularity of comfortable walking shoes.
[Editor's note: This article is sponsored by the Association of Processed Food Manufacturers, the Council for Preservative Preservation, and the Institute for Advanced Couch Studies]
[Update: Breaking news - Local man reports feeling "surprisingly good" after accidentally eating an apple. Authorities are investigating.]